I bet most of you guys think I forgot about you.
Or stopped caring.
Not because I stopped caring about you guys, but because I stopped caring about myself. Why update an LJ about someone whose life is...fundamentally...not worth telling about?
So much has changed since I last spoke to most of you...my location, my employment, my relationship status...frankly...I don't feel like listing it all off again. Especially because a lot of those changes would provoke a "Why's that?" response and...I don't want to go into it. It happened. I've been inactive for...fuck I think a whole year. Condensing that whole year, especially -this- year into a single "update"...I don't think that works.
But I've been doing a lot of thinking as of late, especially lately, and my thoughts strayed to you guys. I thought I'd drop in and say hello, see if I still deserve a bit of friendship after leaving you guys for so long.
I want to kick off this rant/bit of soul searching with one important point.
I am not actually suicidal. I lived through that phase of my life, and don't need to revisit it.
Like many philosophical minds, though, the thought has crossed my mind in a more hypothetical sense, and I figured I would treat you all to my thoughts on it.
I have floated through my life with very few dreams and aspirations. Anything I wish to do with myself has been a sort of "That's nice...if I could be bothered..." feeling. Altogether...I don't really care at all, though. About...much of anything.
Except for the friends I make during my aimless little float through life.
I don't have the motivational drive to do much of anything. I have the power within me to do just about anything. I have two or three good novels sitting up in my brain...and I can't push them out onto paper. I've been playing violin for HOW many years, and I can't get above 'passable' because I can't be bothered to work at it. I have ideas for businesses to open and run....and I can't make myself care. I'm unsatisfied with my level of physical fitness, and...I can't make myself do anything about it.
If it weren't for the people that care about me, realistically, I would see nothing wrong with ending it. I do nothing, I produce nothing, I have no aspirations. It's not that I don't like the world--there are things I quite love here. I have a hobby (admittedly a bit of an all-consuming one) that I enjoy, I have things I enjoy doing. It's not like I'm unhappy.
But I contribute nothing. I do nothing with my life. I've been given this amazing brain, this vast intelligence
I'm happy putting £10 a week into a tin can and otherwise blowing all of my money on bills and crap.
Most importantly... I think I'm happy with my unhappiness.
This rut is so deep, I can't see the sky for how high the walls around me are. And most importantly, I don't mind being here any more. I know every nook and cranny of the dirt around me, and I can smile fondly at it and remember when I first dug myself in here.
Pathetic, isn't it?
My friends, my friends, I really do want you to know that I care about you. I love each of you, deeply. Even if I'm absolutely terrible about showing it.
But you see...I don't want to leave my rut. So I push you away, constantly.
And there comes a point where even you dear souls are pushed past the point of patience. It's easier to leave me in my rut.
I've been here too long to want to leave it any more.
I love you guys, I want to make you proud. So when you reach down and try to pull me out, I'll give it a good go. I'll try to climb up after you, just like you want me to. But...
I don't like it out there.
I have to care out there.
I have to -do- something out there.
I don't want to change.
I'm happy with my unhappiness. I don't know how to reach out for more any more.
Let me introduce myself to you. I am lazy. I am arrogant about my intelligence, and actually about a lot of my abilities. Not enough to be bothered to develop them any better than they already are.
I either love things or I hate them, and there's rarely an inbetween. I can do both, and frequently do. About just about everything. Good luck trying to figure out which it will be on a given day...you never will and neither will I.
Which brings me back around to what started this whole thought tangent.
If I were a product...I'd take me back for being defective. There's obviously something fundamentally missing in here if this is how I feel about the world.
Sometimes, it's more appropriate to cut ties and start over. This one's fucked guys, I think it's time to give up on it and start again.
But I can't do that...because I care about you guys. Not because I particularly need to stay here, not because I have anything I want to accomplish, but because the only thing really tying me to the world is...
You're all I really -care- about. You're the only bits of my life I'm actually willing to fight for. Even if the day-to-day stuff is where it really matters and I totally fail at that.
I take you for granted. I say nothing to you except for when I want to talk about something that -I- want to talk about. And then I get surprised when you eventually leave. It upsets me, because I -do- care about you. I just...can't show it. I don't know how, I don't know why not, I just...can't.
If you give me some warning that I'm pushing you that far, I'll explode into a flurry of activity, trying to make up for what I've done wrong, thinking of anything at all I could do to keep you by me. Because...you're all that I have that matters.
And then once I've bought a little bit more of your time and attention...I go right back to how I was to begin with. Some friend I am, huh?
I don't deserve you guys.
And yet for some reason...I have you anyway. You stay with me anyway. You believe in me, you care about me.
And I don't even know how to say thank you for it.
I'm so far in this rut...you can't reach me any more.
And yet looking up at your smiling faces...at least it keeps me in my rut instead of going out to do something truly stupid.
I love you guys. I hope you know that, even if I do only remember to say it when something serious is going on.