je_regret_riens (je_regret_riens) wrote,
je_regret_riens
je_regret_riens

Who Am I? ...The fuck if I know.

I've never really looked at anyone in particular and seriously said that I would want to be like them, or at least not a real person living in the real world.  I suppose my one true hero is and has always been Frodo Baggins, the same as it has been since I first read the Lord of the Rings trilogy at aged approximately eight.  He never tried to be anything more than he was, despite the drama forced upon him.  He was a man who took his strength from his friends, without over-relying on them far enough to be co-dependent.  He had time for fun, a big heart, and still he managed to do the things that life made nessicary for him to do.  I suppose I've already taken some of that--I don't try to be the best at anything other than being the best -me-.  But I've gotten derailed there because I'm not sure what that 'me' is, and you can't even be good at something unless you know what it is you're trying to do.  I don't know how to strike that same balance that he struck--to handle the curveballs that life throws at me, to do what is nessicary, and to still be myself.  I find myself either too devoted to my job to have a life, too busy with my life to have a job, or some other mangled extreme.

I want to be the kind of person that can handle a personal crisis without sacrificing everything.  I want to be able to help my friends with the things they ask for my help with, without being a puppet on a string jumping at their beck and call because they're afraid to live life on their own.  I want to be the kind of person who can make friends that don't just take and take emotionally, to be the kind of person who isn't that kind of friend.  I want to be the kind of person who has an herb garden on her kitchen windowsill, who cooks dinner from scratch almost every night because of the ecological and biological effects that processed and convenience food have on the environment.  I want to be the kind of person who has a garden or an alotment, because it's the ethical thing to do with the kind of world we live in.  I want to be a good wife for my partner, and I want to find out what that really means, because at the moment I'm honestly not sure, though making her happy is a big part of it.  I don't want to have a large number of friends...I think gigantic entourages are stifling.  But I want the friends I do have to be the kind of friends I can trust with my life.  I want to be the kind of person that can trust, without being afraid of being hurt, without putting conditions on that trust.  I want to be secure in myself, to stop having to put on masks to protect and shield myself, to stop filling my time with idle time-wasters because I am afraid of doing something worthwhile.  I want to be the kind of person who can go to the pub, order a drink, and have some fun; without being terrified that spending my hard earned money on a pint makes me an alchoholic, that spending my time in such idle fun is somehow inherently wrong.  I want to be the kind of person that can do something for fun and enjoy it, without being plagued by doubts and terrors that it's the wrong thing to do or somehow otherwise inherently BAD.  I want to be the kind of person who doesn't hate children because they're noisy, and that's in direct conflict with the kind of person that I currently AM.  I want to be the kind of person who doesn't get stressed, not for having planned for every eventuality, but because of faith and trust that everything will work out alright.  I want to be the kind of person who can leap without looking and land on her feet just because of the strong belief that I will land on my feet eventually, no matter how many branches I hit on the way down.  I want to be the kind of person who can see the clouds and get an umbrella -without- panicking about the coming rain.  I want to feel safe and loved, without having to have people constantly reassure me of those facts.  I'd like to say I'd like to be me, but I'm not me right now so I can't be myself.  I want to FIND me so I can find out HOW.
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